Hello. My name is Subtly and I'm a....

Hello. My name is Subtly and I'm a Super Dominant-oholic.

What does a little girl do when she has everything...and wants more? Selfish, you say? Well, this I cannot deny. However, ultimately I want what I cannot have...yet I yearn for it almost daily, if not hourly. I've even gone to the lengths of fantasizing about how I could get a taste of it...without betraying my love. This is not possible, I know. I am an addict ~ craving for the dominance I have always wanted ~ from the man I know can provide it.

Hello. My name is Subtly and I'm a Super Dominant-oholic.

Why did I settle, you ask? I didn't. My love provides plenty of dominance for this submissive girl. However, it is not the same. It will never be the same. Someone help me put my mind in it's place. Before my mind puts me in it's place.

Hello. My name is Subtly, and I'm a Super Dominant-oholic.

I have the Dominant who loves and adores me, and spanks me till I can't scream anymore. But I want the Super-Dominant who I know will lead me outside naked, throw the key into the grass and lock the door behind him as he goes back inside to watch. I had the chance...and did not take it. My fault. Yet, I am still a little girl in love.

Hello. My name is Subtly. and I'm a Super Dominant-oholic.

her and Him and me....and Me and them

We haven't seen each other for a while.  None of us.

It makes it hard in some ways and easy in others. 

I spoke with him for the first time in a really long time.  He said he missed me.  That they both missed me.  That they both love me.  I don't know how I feel about that.  I know I miss them and I do love them.  I just don't know how I love them.  It is a strange kind of beast TTWD.

Mr has another (several others)  but there is one other who...I don't know.  She matters.  We both do.  But she matters more.  And sometimes that is fine.  Most of the time that is fine.  But sometimes?  Sometimes it is not fine.

 Most of the time I see that we all care for each other in different ways and fill spaces in each others lives that are left there just for one another.  A space just for me, for Him, for her.  Sometimes though?  Sometimes I wonder if that is enough.

I wonder if I am exchanging half a relationship for another half a relationship. 

This break has been interesting.  All of the obsessive compulsive interacting has fallen away and all that is left is just the raw bits, some parts are sexually needy, but most of it is just genuine friendship and concern and I guess that is pretty great. 

Sometimes I just want to see her.  All of her and only her.  Sometimes I just want to be with him.  I guess I get that and I am grateful. 

In my other shoes I am a Mistress.  I never write about it much.  Particularly in the early stages of a relationship with a pet.  It doesn't feel okay somehow.  I am fairly open about everything within my life as a sub and a wife.  As Mistress though?  I don't know.  The level of trust that someone places in you?  Writing about it does not feel okay.  I care for them.  I care for them very much.  It is not the same as Him and her though.  Not nearly.

I wonder why.

I wonder why and what that means.

and then I text to tell pup to play, to arrange a meeting, to laugh about something, to see how his day is going and he wants it and adores it and I think maybe that is okay.

and then Mr rings and asks if he can make dinner for her and me, to ask how my day is, to tell me I am awesome or cheeky, to touch base and say that he cares and I adore it and I think that maybe, that it okay too.

I love this blog

So...what can we do.  I pretty much know who is who on here, being able to add things up isn't too difficult following other blogs.

BUT really I need it...or needed it and need it again.  There is stuff I can't say on my regular blog.  I can't post about it when things are too hard and awkward....so what can we do?  How can we shift things so that we can have this space but make it more anonymous so that everyone is comfortable?  Can we reinvent this and change the way it has posts added?

Open Letter to Tied ot the Bitching Post Authors

All --

I'm seriously considering closing this blog

it' started off as a bit of a joke -- but being the one who actually knows the identity of the bloggers?

um

I'm not sure I really want to know all of this stuff.

So -- I am going to propose that if anyone else would like to become the administrator of this blog -- that I am willing to turn it over to him or her

or

if you all feel that the blog should live on -- let me know

it's sort of not very much fun for me any more.

yourpeacefulone@gmail.com

aka

the moderator

aka

sfp

Baffled

So I still haven't heard from him - I guess he's been waiting for me to call? But I figured when my last real communication was an apology, it was up to him to accept it. When that didn't happen - well, I guess I still figured the ball was in his court in terms of communicating.

But I was already done, so I guess it doesn't matter.

I e-mailed him yesterday and said "good-bye."

I guess I could have called, but I didn't want to cry. And I've been sick anyhow, so with e-mail I took my time saying what I wanted to say - none of which was mean or anything. I don't feel angry with him.

I'm just done.

Ok, I might be feeling a little bewildered hurt and the anger that comes behind that to ease the hurt... but not a lot. Not even a lot of hurt right now. More bewildered. Baffled.

Because I did kind of expect him to respond to my last e-mail. And he hasn't. Not a word.

So.

I don't know what to make of that. If anything.

I think it would be nice to hear some kind of "good-bye" back - and maybe I will. It was only last night that I e-mailed. But usually if he's going to respond, he does it right away.

It will take me longer to make sense of this relationship. But plenty of time for that.

For now, I don't want to write about it on my blog. I want to make sure he and I have said all that we're going to say between us first.

So I'm grateful for the privacy of this blog, even if some of youall know who I am, I'm sure he doesn't read here.

And now I'm going back to bed...

I think i'm done...

We haven't had the conversation yet, so i'm writing here, but really i think we're all over but the crying.

It's so many things that made me wonder, made me stop and pause. You know, the reality is I'm not that special to him. Or - I am when we're together. When we're together and he's focused on me, then I think he does think I'm special. But ----

----- when we're not together, it's almost like I don't exist.

He might text me once - usually only if i text him first. And more than one or two exchanges, and he's done.

If i e-mail him he might answer. More often - not.

I think he likes being around me - when he wants to be around me. That's just not that often these days. Mostly if there's a munch or play party to go to.

And when it comes to public play - omigod, he can't be beat. He's amazing. He creates a pocket of intimacy that just makes me glow. Truly. And I'll always hang on to those memories and be soooooo glad we had that.

But a relationship? Not so much.

This week, and this weekend, i really needed him. And it became very clear that he was only going to "be there" for me in a very limited kind of way.

So when we were texting and i said i would probably need to talk about what's going on in my life sometime over the weekend, he didn't respond. Not "sure," not "I'm here for you," not even "k." Just didn't say anything, til i text'ed about another subject.

When he heard, earlier in the week, that there were things I was having a hard time with, he didn't call me extra, or e-mail me, or text me any more than usual. Which is almost none, right? And even though what's going on with me is a big fucking deal, we spent at least 3 times as much time talking about what's going on with him.

So when I saw him, he was more open to listening to me. Well, more open than not at all, right? And then, we curl up in bed, and his back is to me, and then he tells me to talk to him. So I'm talking, and he's not looking at me at all.

What the fuck?

He responds with words that fit, so I do know he's listening, but - he's got his back to me.... What the fuck? So I don't want to talk anymore, you know?

And then he decides to give me an orgasm -so he gets out a little vibrator and just goes to it. Which - you know - we just went from talking about this sad fucking thing in my life, and now I'm supposed to move into an orgasm with absolutely nothing inbetween?

Maybe i've got that backwards - i don't know anymore. Maybe the vibrator was before the talking with his back to me. In any case, I still had this situation on my mind, and there was just the most minmal cuddling or anything resembling foreplay and then i'm apparently supposed to be ready to cum.

And he's not so frigging patient either. This is a man that I can spend 45 minutes to an hour, paying attention to his cock, bringing him to the edge and backing off, pleasuring him with love and respect - and maybe five minutes of holding a vibrator to my clit and he's bored.

Ya know, fuck that.

i can get not so good sex and be pretty much ignored any frigging where. i don't have to be submissive to find that.

And I won't settle for living in a frigging compartment either. I want a whole relationship.

Maybe that's crazy.

I don't care.

So yesterday, we had an argument. A short little argument. I was hurt. He was annoyed. He didn't want me around. I felt like i needed him.

Stupid me.

After I calmed down, I emailed him and apologized for being snappy and tearful. I said that I understood where he was coming from, but that I'd really needed him.

That was yesterday, early afternoon. About 24 hours ago. And I haven't heard back from him. Not in reference to my apology. I text'ed him Good night, and he text'ed good night back a little while later. But that was it.

And ya know, here's what it comes down to, for me. It's not easy for me to open up enough to rely on someone to be there for me, but somehow I got sucked into thinking he would be.

Stupid.

Really - all that not calling, not e-mailing stuff should have told me. What he liked was his reflection in my eyes. Not me. He liked reading my blog, but couldn't be bothered to comment on it.

I'm not talking about commenting ON the blog, I mean saying something to me. Anything. Maybe 5 times out of maybe 150 posts, he volunteered a response. So what made me think he cared?

I don't know. But somehow, i got all open with him. And i frigging needed him. AND i asked him to be there for me.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Because then of course he wasn't there. Of course.

Good grief. You'd think, old as I am, that I'd have known better.

And I hate to ask anyhow - what the hell was I thinking? I don't like to ask for ANY thing, and here i am - asking for emotional support.

What a dumbass I turned out to be!

I'm as bad as Charlie Brown, running to kick the football Lucy's holding, right? And really - I don't mean to sound bitter or cynical, but don't y'all wish that he'd quit doing that?

So i'm quitting. I'm not doing it anymore. NO more needing. NO more asking. PERIOD.

And please don't start telling me why I'm wrong - I do not want to hear it. If I re-think this at some point, fine. But right now, today -

I'll never, ever need anyone, and I'll never, ever ask for anything again.

Sincerely,

Me

Primary

She'll never let go of him. Seems sweet as sugar. Deceit and false pretences.

At the beginning she said she had a primary.

Maybe she did. Sort of.

My man was to be her secondary. In our first foray into poly.

But within 2 weeks it became clear that her primary was irrelevant and that my primary was becoming hers.

I resisted it. Fought against it. Furiously.

That wasn't the deal I signed up for.

He said "Poor thing. She needs love."

She'll never let him go. Seems sweet as sugar. He won't hear a word against her. Deceit and false pretenses.