Baffled

So I still haven't heard from him - I guess he's been waiting for me to call? But I figured when my last real communication was an apology, it was up to him to accept it. When that didn't happen - well, I guess I still figured the ball was in his court in terms of communicating.

But I was already done, so I guess it doesn't matter.

I e-mailed him yesterday and said "good-bye."

I guess I could have called, but I didn't want to cry. And I've been sick anyhow, so with e-mail I took my time saying what I wanted to say - none of which was mean or anything. I don't feel angry with him.

I'm just done.

Ok, I might be feeling a little bewildered hurt and the anger that comes behind that to ease the hurt... but not a lot. Not even a lot of hurt right now. More bewildered. Baffled.

Because I did kind of expect him to respond to my last e-mail. And he hasn't. Not a word.

So.

I don't know what to make of that. If anything.

I think it would be nice to hear some kind of "good-bye" back - and maybe I will. It was only last night that I e-mailed. But usually if he's going to respond, he does it right away.

It will take me longer to make sense of this relationship. But plenty of time for that.

For now, I don't want to write about it on my blog. I want to make sure he and I have said all that we're going to say between us first.

So I'm grateful for the privacy of this blog, even if some of youall know who I am, I'm sure he doesn't read here.

And now I'm going back to bed...

I think i'm done...

We haven't had the conversation yet, so i'm writing here, but really i think we're all over but the crying.

It's so many things that made me wonder, made me stop and pause. You know, the reality is I'm not that special to him. Or - I am when we're together. When we're together and he's focused on me, then I think he does think I'm special. But ----

----- when we're not together, it's almost like I don't exist.

He might text me once - usually only if i text him first. And more than one or two exchanges, and he's done.

If i e-mail him he might answer. More often - not.

I think he likes being around me - when he wants to be around me. That's just not that often these days. Mostly if there's a munch or play party to go to.

And when it comes to public play - omigod, he can't be beat. He's amazing. He creates a pocket of intimacy that just makes me glow. Truly. And I'll always hang on to those memories and be soooooo glad we had that.

But a relationship? Not so much.

This week, and this weekend, i really needed him. And it became very clear that he was only going to "be there" for me in a very limited kind of way.

So when we were texting and i said i would probably need to talk about what's going on in my life sometime over the weekend, he didn't respond. Not "sure," not "I'm here for you," not even "k." Just didn't say anything, til i text'ed about another subject.

When he heard, earlier in the week, that there were things I was having a hard time with, he didn't call me extra, or e-mail me, or text me any more than usual. Which is almost none, right? And even though what's going on with me is a big fucking deal, we spent at least 3 times as much time talking about what's going on with him.

So when I saw him, he was more open to listening to me. Well, more open than not at all, right? And then, we curl up in bed, and his back is to me, and then he tells me to talk to him. So I'm talking, and he's not looking at me at all.

What the fuck?

He responds with words that fit, so I do know he's listening, but - he's got his back to me.... What the fuck? So I don't want to talk anymore, you know?

And then he decides to give me an orgasm -so he gets out a little vibrator and just goes to it. Which - you know - we just went from talking about this sad fucking thing in my life, and now I'm supposed to move into an orgasm with absolutely nothing inbetween?

Maybe i've got that backwards - i don't know anymore. Maybe the vibrator was before the talking with his back to me. In any case, I still had this situation on my mind, and there was just the most minmal cuddling or anything resembling foreplay and then i'm apparently supposed to be ready to cum.

And he's not so frigging patient either. This is a man that I can spend 45 minutes to an hour, paying attention to his cock, bringing him to the edge and backing off, pleasuring him with love and respect - and maybe five minutes of holding a vibrator to my clit and he's bored.

Ya know, fuck that.

i can get not so good sex and be pretty much ignored any frigging where. i don't have to be submissive to find that.

And I won't settle for living in a frigging compartment either. I want a whole relationship.

Maybe that's crazy.

I don't care.

So yesterday, we had an argument. A short little argument. I was hurt. He was annoyed. He didn't want me around. I felt like i needed him.

Stupid me.

After I calmed down, I emailed him and apologized for being snappy and tearful. I said that I understood where he was coming from, but that I'd really needed him.

That was yesterday, early afternoon. About 24 hours ago. And I haven't heard back from him. Not in reference to my apology. I text'ed him Good night, and he text'ed good night back a little while later. But that was it.

And ya know, here's what it comes down to, for me. It's not easy for me to open up enough to rely on someone to be there for me, but somehow I got sucked into thinking he would be.

Stupid.

Really - all that not calling, not e-mailing stuff should have told me. What he liked was his reflection in my eyes. Not me. He liked reading my blog, but couldn't be bothered to comment on it.

I'm not talking about commenting ON the blog, I mean saying something to me. Anything. Maybe 5 times out of maybe 150 posts, he volunteered a response. So what made me think he cared?

I don't know. But somehow, i got all open with him. And i frigging needed him. AND i asked him to be there for me.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Because then of course he wasn't there. Of course.

Good grief. You'd think, old as I am, that I'd have known better.

And I hate to ask anyhow - what the hell was I thinking? I don't like to ask for ANY thing, and here i am - asking for emotional support.

What a dumbass I turned out to be!

I'm as bad as Charlie Brown, running to kick the football Lucy's holding, right? And really - I don't mean to sound bitter or cynical, but don't y'all wish that he'd quit doing that?

So i'm quitting. I'm not doing it anymore. NO more needing. NO more asking. PERIOD.

And please don't start telling me why I'm wrong - I do not want to hear it. If I re-think this at some point, fine. But right now, today -

I'll never, ever need anyone, and I'll never, ever ask for anything again.

Sincerely,

Me

A Little Rant

This is not the worst thing in the world. Maybe it's not even worth bitching about. But it drives me a little crazy, and I just need to rant a little.

Why, why, why can't Sir return e-mail messages? Consistently return text messages? It's not that hard. It just isn't.

~~~ I started this post a few days ago - I should have just gone ahead and posted then, when I had so little to complain about. LOL.

Instead, here I am, wondering wtf I'm doing in this relationship anyhow. He's obviously not really interested in me. He's not really into touching me. He's not into spanking. Or rules or lots of control. He doesn't want to meet my family, even though we're clearly dating, you know, not a mostly phone or online relationship, and have been for a while. And he thinks that making sure I have an orgasm is an obligation rather than something He wants to do. (Yes, he said the obligation part, the rest of it is me.)

No, we haven't argued. As far as I'm concerned there's no point in arguing. Our relationship is still so new that I'm just gathering information about who he is.

And maybe I'm just viewing things through the lens of someone who was on orgasm restriction, and anticipating that ending about 12 hours ago, but here I am still. Tense. Despite having spent an hour in really sensual play that led to him having what he described as an amazingly intense orgasm.

I thought lots of orgasms was the perk of being submissive. Or at least one orgasm. It is not that hard to make me cum.

He promises to take care of me today. That's nice. I predict he'll pull out a tool - probably the Hitachi - and expect to spend a couple of minutes holding it between my legs. I think that's going to make me feel sad.

Damn it. There are lots of things I like about this man. But this is bull - this is not going to work for me.

I guess I need to be talking to him rather than ranting here. But (laughing) this is so much easier.

Words of advice welcome...