Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Baffled

So I still haven't heard from him - I guess he's been waiting for me to call? But I figured when my last real communication was an apology, it was up to him to accept it. When that didn't happen - well, I guess I still figured the ball was in his court in terms of communicating.

But I was already done, so I guess it doesn't matter.

I e-mailed him yesterday and said "good-bye."

I guess I could have called, but I didn't want to cry. And I've been sick anyhow, so with e-mail I took my time saying what I wanted to say - none of which was mean or anything. I don't feel angry with him.

I'm just done.

Ok, I might be feeling a little bewildered hurt and the anger that comes behind that to ease the hurt... but not a lot. Not even a lot of hurt right now. More bewildered. Baffled.

Because I did kind of expect him to respond to my last e-mail. And he hasn't. Not a word.

So.

I don't know what to make of that. If anything.

I think it would be nice to hear some kind of "good-bye" back - and maybe I will. It was only last night that I e-mailed. But usually if he's going to respond, he does it right away.

It will take me longer to make sense of this relationship. But plenty of time for that.

For now, I don't want to write about it on my blog. I want to make sure he and I have said all that we're going to say between us first.

So I'm grateful for the privacy of this blog, even if some of youall know who I am, I'm sure he doesn't read here.

And now I'm going back to bed...
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6 comments:

  1. strivingforpeaceJanuary 6, 2011 at 3:39 AM

    I know this place well.

    hugs my friend

    hugs

    sfp

    ReplyDelete
  2. His servantJanuary 6, 2011 at 4:55 AM

    Thanks, Sfp.

    subliminal

    ReplyDelete
  3. sinJanuary 6, 2011 at 6:21 PM

    Aww crap. That just all kind of sucks doesn't it?

    I hate not getting closure on stuff like this. I always wonder if there's some way I could have misunderstood completely or something. But there's not.

    I'm sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  4. His servantJanuary 7, 2011 at 4:29 AM

    Thanks, Sin.

    Yeah, it really does kind of suck.

    And yes, from time to time I have this moment of fantasy that he's gonna call and say - well, I don't know what. laughing. But yeah, that's not gonna happen.

    Thanks.

    Subliminal

    ReplyDelete
  5. AliJanuary 8, 2011 at 12:41 AM

    wtf IS it about the whole not responding thing? I swear to god I thought I was reading about oasis for a minute there. He did the exact same thing to me. Exact. I truly, truly understand pretty much everything you have written. You deserve SO much better. I'm here. always. I know you said you're never asking for anything again, but well... tough shit... im here and you better take me up on that. (so how do I sound when I get all tough? ;) ) luv you.

    alisha

    ReplyDelete
  6. His servantJanuary 8, 2011 at 7:27 AM

    @Alisha - Yep, I thought about you when it was happening. WTF is right. If there is a difference, it's that he and I are likely to cross paths again in real life. Which should be interesting - but I'm ok with that, cause you know, really, when I'm done, I'm done.

    And I love when you sound tough - very domme-ly! {laughing} I will take you up on it, for sure.

    Thanks - luv you too, ya know,

    Sub-liminal

    ReplyDelete

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