I was complete and okay and whole.
A day thinking and I am disconnected and not quite sad but melancholic.
Then I look at him and for all of the reasons I want him to leave I don't feel I can ask.
Not now.
But when.
Soon.
But I have said that for a while.
If not aloud, in the corners of my head where I try not to look.
I woke up this morning and I knew it.
In the core of who I am I felt it.
Not in an angry or sad way, not in a terrible way.
It was just there, not even a choice.
It was just - is just the only thing I can do.
For him.
And for me.
Because I cannot look at him in his misery and not wonder if he could be happier somewhere else for one second longer.
Because I cannot keep looking at myself exasperated, sad and nasty in the face of his pathetic incapacity to be a whole person, to be in control of himself.
To own who he is.
If it was someone else I would not see them that way.
But it is not someone else.
He is him.
And I do love him.
And I want him to be happy.
And I want me to be happy
And I know that here.
We cannot have that.
So I will think about what I have to do for me and for my kids.
And I will move deliberately
And surely
To protect us all from each other.
Because he can't.
That is why it has to be this way.
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