Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Depression Again

 I was complete and okay and whole. 

A day thinking and I am disconnected and not quite sad but melancholic.

Then I look at him and for all of the reasons I want him to leave I don't feel I can ask.

Not now.

But when.

Soon.

But I have said that for a while.

If not aloud, in the corners of my head where I try not to look.

I woke up this morning and I knew it.

In the core of who I am I felt it.

Not in an angry or sad way, not in a terrible way.

It was just there, not even a choice.

It was just - is just the only thing I can do.

For him.

And for me.

Because I cannot look at him in his misery and not wonder if he could be happier somewhere else for one second longer.

Because I cannot keep looking at myself exasperated, sad and nasty in the face of his pathetic incapacity to be a whole person, to be in control of himself.

To own who he is.  

If it was someone else I would not see them that way.

But it is not someone else.

He is him.

And I do love him.

And I want him to be happy.

And I want me to be happy

And I know that here.

We cannot have that.

So I will think about what I have to do for me and for my kids.

And I will move deliberately

And surely

To protect us all from each other.

Because he can't.

That is why it has to be this way.

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